Argument Clinic of a Sort
by RavenMerc
Summary: X-Men behaving badly. Nobody dies, nobody gets hurt (much) and nobody cooperates with the author.


Argument Clinic (of a Sort)  
  
Author: RavenMerc   
  
Series: X-Men Movieverse  
  
  
  
Timeline: probably after X2. I asked, but they wouldn't tell, so I can't be certain.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. After this fic, I'm kinda glad, too. Stan Lee, Marvel, Fox et al, do own them   
  
and it serves them right. Heh. I also do not own Hockey Night in Canada, which is owned by the Canadian Broadcasting   
  
Corporation and their current sponsor Labatt, The Detroit Lions, who are owned by the Ford family, the Dallas Cowboys   
  
or the Cleveland Browns (I don't know who does own them, but there you are), Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which goes to   
  
Mutant Enemy, Fox, UPN and Da Man, Joss Whedon, any of the 'Road' pictures (don't know who owns them either, but I   
  
dearly miss Mr. Hope & Mr. Crosby) nor do I have any rights to Railroad Bill, who is the property of Andy Breckman.   
  
Frankly at this point, I don't even own me. Please don't sue; my moose need a roof over their heads.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer#2: References to some crossover fics elsewhere on this web site are not meant maliciously.   
  
I actually liked the ones referred to herein, so please don't take offense.  
  
  
  
A/N: Asterisks on either side of words (ex: *thud*) denotes sounds, whereas just one or more asterisk on the left is a   
  
footnote, (yeah, that's an NSS isn't it? g), and underscoring (ex: _ouch_) denotes emphasis.  
  
  
  
Summary: X-Men behaving badly. Nobody dies, nobody gets hurt (much) and nobody cooperates with the author.   
  
  
  
  
  
Classification: PG-13 for language General/Humor  
  
  
  
  
  
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Author: Okay, I suffered through plot bunnies all night and all through work today.  
  
Remy: "Pardon, but Remy is no bouquin."  
  
Marie: "Nah, ya'll just try ta reproduce like one, Sugah."  
  
Remy: "You wound Remy's heart, chérie."  
  
Bobby: "More like his ego…"  
  
Remy: "Careful Snowboy, or Remy will make sure all the tres belle femme titter about you at inopportune moments."  
  
Bobby: "Try it, Cajun, and I'll make an ice sculpture out of you befo…"  
  
Author: _ENOUGH!_   
  
Ahem. As I was saying before the narrative got hijacked, there's just no easy was to tell a guy with 9 inch   
  
unbreakable blades in his hands (and the temperament of a rabid Robespierre*)…  
  
Logan: "Watch it, darlin'."  
  
Author: …to _get out of my brain…_  
  
Logan: "That woulda worked."  
  
Author: It would? Go away! _SHOO_!  
  
Kitty: "Are we back to the bunnies again? Maybe you should do a Buffy fic."  
  
Jubilee: "Yes, just remember, Buffy and Scott are not related."  
  
Remy: "Neither are Remy and dat Xander enfant."  
  
Erik: "Or Magneto to that witch."  
  
Author: _Hey!_ I thought you said it would work.  
  
Logan: "I said it _would have_ worked. Until you insulted me. Now I'm aiming to stay right here."  
  
Author: Bugger. As I was saying, it's hard enough trying to ditch _him_…  
  
Scott: "Welcome to my world."  
  
Logan: "Ya got a problem there, Scooter?"   
  
Scott: "Yeah, and it sounds like the same one she's got."  
  
*snick*   
  
Logan: "Well step on up and we'll see what we can do about that."  
  
Jean: "Logan…"   
  
Logan: "Yeah, Red?"  
  
Jean: "Touch him and all your motorcycle magazines go in the shredder."  
  
*snick*   
  
Logan: "Are you havin' PMS, Jeannie?"  
  
Scott: "Jean, I can handle this baboon myself."  
  
Jean: "And _you_ will watch 'Angela's Ashes' with me…with no snarky comments."  
  
Scott: "Ouch."  
  
Author: …BUT then when I get home and can finally do what he wants, the rest of them show up. This was helpful for the   
  
story, since I wasn't planning a one man show. Or it would have been if they all had just _stopped BICKERING!_   
  
Erik: "I do not, 'bicker,' Madam."  
  
Author: Okay, kwetchen.  
  
Logan: "She's got you there, bub."  
  
*thunk*  
  
Erik: "And my, the wall appears to have you _there_, Wolverine."  
  
Marie: "Put him down, Erik, or ah'll kiss ya. French-style."  
  
Remy: "Chérie! What about, Remy? He deserves a kiss before this fou, non?"  
  
Bobby: "Only if it'll shut you and your over-blown accent up, Cajun."  
  
Remy: "You have a problem with Remy, Monsieur 'Get Caught Fondling Mademoiselle Theresa' Drake?"  
  
Bobby: "Yeah, and I'm about to put an iceberg where your mouth is!"  
  
Jubilee: "Remy! Geeze, try for a little tact, sometime, will you?"  
  
Logan: "HEY! Can we get back to getting me off the wall?"   
  
Jubilee: *giggle* "He looks like a butterfly on display, doesn't he?   
  
Marie: *giggle* "Yeah, and if ah touch Erik, ah can stick him up there, too."  
  
Jubilee: "Hey, I'm liking this. *snicker* Can we stick all the guys up there?"  
  
Logan: "Get me down, NOW!"  
  
Marie: "Okay, Logan, keep your shirt on, it'll keep your groupies away.   
  
"Come on, Erik, how 'bout a nice big smooch for Rogue?"  
  
*thunk*  
  
Erik: "I'd rather not. And now I'll be leaving, before this degenerates any further. I have standards!"  
  
Ororo: "I thought he was an extra long."  
  
Jean: "Not according to Mystique."  
  
Erik: "Humph! Good day and good riddance."  
  
Author: Halleluiah! Can we try to get this fic on the road, people?  
  
John: "The road to where? Morocco or Utopia?"  
  
Bobby: "Only if we get Dorothy Lamour."  
  
Author: Oh, dear, just don't let this degenerate to…  
  
John & Bobby: "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker man, bake me a cake as fast as you…"  
  
Author: Frell.  
  
*bap* *crash*   
  
Bobby: "Ow!"  
  
*THUD* *THUD*  
  
Jubilee: "Idiots. We've all seen that movie. Just stick 'em in the corner to sleep it off for now."   
  
Author: Can we just get back to doing the story?  
  
Logan: "Which story would that be, darlin'?"  
  
Author: The one you've been pestering me about for the last 18 hours or so!  
  
Logan: "That anti-shipper one? Mebbe later. I think the CFL game's on CBC now."  
  
Kitty: "The CFL?"  
  
Marie: "Canadian football league."  
  
Scott: "They've got their own league? Why aren't we sharing with them? We share baseball, basketball and hockey   
  
with them, why not football?"  
  
Logan: "The NFL is for wimps. 'Sides, _we_ share hockey with you, not the other way around."  
  
Scott: "Since when are the Cowboys wimps?"  
  
Logan: "Since when aren't the Lions?"  
  
Scott: "Point taken."  
  
Remy: "Oui. Detroit makes Cleveland look bien."  
  
Logan: "Let's go watch the game then."  
  
Author: Well, bollocks. There goes the main character of the story. Now what?  
  
Jean: "We could do a 'girls play a practical joke on the guys' story.   
  
And watch your language!"  
  
Author: I am. Why do you think I'm cussing in British? It usually goes under the radar in the States.   
  
What kind of a practical joke did you ladies have in mind, may I ask?  
  
Marie: "Ya'll can ask, Sugah, but we can't tell ya just yet."  
  
Jubilee: "Yeah, we'll get back with you when we get the finer points pinned down, okay?"  
  
Author: Okay. Fine. Sure. Let me know when you're ready. I'm just the author, not anyone really important. Nope,   
  
not me. I'm nobody.  
  
Jubilee: "Hey, she's doing Buffy quotes! Do some more!"  
  
Kitty: "Jubes, not now! We've got to plot against the guys before the game's over."  
  
Jubilee: "It's football. We've got at least three hours."  
  
Marie: "More like four. They got them commentaries after word where they discuss every move made in every second   
  
of the game."  
  
Jubilee: "You're kidding? You're not. Where'd you get that from, Wolvie's brain?"  
  
Marie: "Yeah, along with a taste for rotten cigars, Canadian beer and instant recognition of the theme from   
  
Hockey Night in Canada."  
  
Jubilee & Kitty: "Eeww."  
  
Ororo: "Girls! Let's not waste our time."  
  
Jean: "Dear, you just run along, and we'll let you know when we're ready, okay?"  
  
Author: Whatever. So much for being in charge. I should have paid better attention to 'Railroad Bill.'**  
  
END  
  
Translations:  
  
Bouquin = rabbit (masculine)  
  
Chérie = dear (feminine)  
  
tres belle femme = very beautiful women  
  
Enfant = boy child  
  
kwetchen = complain  
  
fou = madman  
  
Non = no  
  
Monsieur = Mister  
  
Mademoiselle = Miss  
  
Oui = yes  
  
Bien = good  
  
Other notes:  
  
*One of the main influences in France during the Revolution, remembered mostly for his avocation for the use of   
  
extreme violence for justice. Basically, he was one bad dude. ;-)  
  
**This is a folk song. "Railroad Bill and the Kitten" by Andy Breckman, is a song about a fictional character who   
  
refuses to do what the author wants, in this case, to save a kitten caught up in a tree. If you want the words,   
  
go to the mudcat café and do a lyric search.  
  
And finally, no I am not translating the British swear words. They're naughty. 


End file.
